Big Nothing Burger

by Mack Williams
18 July 2017

I. Can You Tell Me How To Get…

No wonder Trumpcare sucks…if you can’t handle 17×6, you certainly can’t count to 23,000,000. Maybe the fired Kermit the Frog could help them.

II. All Rise

Told you about Aaron Judge…

III. Melo

Man, the Knicks just signed a new GM, Scott Perry. I didn’t get to toss my hat in the ring for the position, but just maybe Scott needs an assistant. Scott, if you’re reading this, here’s the perfect three-way trade to get Carmelo Anthony out of New York (if that’s really what you want to do):

Knicks get LaMarcus Aldridge, Cleveland’s 1st round pick.

Cavs get Carmelo Anthony.

Spurs get Shumpert, Tristan, Knicks 1st round pick.

This deal is a possible win-win-win for everyone. Knicks get a still-potent Aldridge who wasn’t the best fit in San Antonio upon the superstar emergence of Kawhi Leonard, and a pick. Spurs get two athletic defenders who will fit in well with their system, and a pick from the Knicks that could be high. Cavs get Carmelo, a fourth star, without giving up Kevin Love.

IV. Playing Devil’s Advocate

Perhaps the Knick front office, now minus Phil Jackson, has come to the realization that you don’t trash and devalue the player you want to trade. But then again, perhaps Carmelo shouldn’t be the player you want to trade.

He apparently has a great relationship with Porzingis, the future face of the franchise. He can still score the ball. And the Knicks still play in the Eastern Conference, which has been weaker for years and may be that much more so next season, as Chicago and Indiana probably take steps back. A front line of KP, Hernangomez, and Melo might be a starting point for a playoff team in the East.

V. Trump Jobs

President Trump told people from the start that he would the “jobs president” – and sure enough, he has been just that. Look at all the lawyers his entire family and administration are hiring.

VI. Kushner, Don Jr., and the cast of Thousands

By the time I finish this that small “nothing burger” of a meeting Don Jr. and Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort took might be up to fifty confirmed participants. But however many people were actually present at this meeting which allegedly produced “nothing,” let’s remember this: if you enter a bank with guns and demand the money (which is a crime), the fact that you walk away empty-handed because the teller reported that all the money was gone for the day doesn’t let you off the hook. Think about this the next time you hear a Republican try to explain away that meeting.

VII. Conor and Floyd

Anyone that thinks Conor McGregor has any more than the slimmest ever chance against Floyd Mayweather should revisit the professional minor league baseball career of Michael Jordan. No disrespect to MJ; I actually think hitting .202 with three homers and 51 runs batted in and 30 stolen bases is quite good for someone who had not played baseball in 13 years. My guess is that had he chosen to play baseball instead of basketball at UNC, he might have made the majors (and my Georgetown Hoyas might very well have won another NCAA title).

That said, his baseball career shows that being the best at what you do doesn’t mean you are anywhere near the best at what someone else does. Conor’s best shot is to body slam and suplex Floyd. He probably won’t get up from those.


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