Big Nothing Burger

by Mack Williams
18 July 2017

I. Can You Tell Me How To Get…

No wonder Trumpcare sucks…if you can’t handle 17×6, you certainly can’t count to 23,000,000. Maybe the fired Kermit the Frog could help them.

II. All Rise

Told you about Aaron Judge…

III. Melo

Man, the Knicks just signed a new GM, Scott Perry. I didn’t get to toss my hat in the ring for the position, but just maybe Scott needs an assistant. Scott, if you’re reading this, here’s the perfect three-way trade to get Carmelo Anthony out of New York (if that’s really what you want to do):

Knicks get LaMarcus Aldridge, Cleveland’s 1st round pick.

Cavs get Carmelo Anthony.

Spurs get Shumpert, Tristan, Knicks 1st round pick.

This deal is a possible win-win-win for everyone. Knicks get a still-potent Aldridge who wasn’t the best fit in San Antonio upon the superstar emergence of Kawhi Leonard, and a pick. Spurs get two athletic defenders who will fit in well with their system, and a pick from the Knicks that could be high. Cavs get Carmelo, a fourth star, without giving up Kevin Love.

IV. Playing Devil’s Advocate

Perhaps the Knick front office, now minus Phil Jackson, has come to the realization that you don’t trash and devalue the player you want to trade. But then again, perhaps Carmelo shouldn’t be the player you want to trade.

He apparently has a great relationship with Porzingis, the future face of the franchise. He can still score the ball. And the Knicks still play in the Eastern Conference, which has been weaker for years and may be that much more so next season, as Chicago and Indiana probably take steps back. A front line of KP, Hernangomez, and Melo might be a starting point for a playoff team in the East.

V. Trump Jobs

President Trump told people from the start that he would the “jobs president” – and sure enough, he has been just that. Look at all the lawyers his entire family and administration are hiring.

VI. Kushner, Don Jr., and the cast of Thousands

By the time I finish this that small “nothing burger” of a meeting Don Jr. and Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort took might be up to fifty confirmed participants. But however many people were actually present at this meeting which allegedly produced “nothing,” let’s remember this: if you enter a bank with guns and demand the money (which is a crime), the fact that you walk away empty-handed because the teller reported that all the money was gone for the day doesn’t let you off the hook. Think about this the next time you hear a Republican try to explain away that meeting.

VII. Conor and Floyd

Anyone that thinks Conor McGregor has any more than the slimmest ever chance against Floyd Mayweather should revisit the professional minor league baseball career of Michael Jordan. No disrespect to MJ; I actually think hitting .202 with three homers and 51 runs batted in and 30 stolen bases is quite good for someone who had not played baseball in 13 years. My guess is that had he chosen to play baseball instead of basketball at UNC, he might have made the majors (and my Georgetown Hoyas might very well have won another NCAA title).

That said, his baseball career shows that being the best at what you do doesn’t mean you are anywhere near the best at what someone else does. Conor’s best shot is to body slam and suplex Floyd. He probably won’t get up from those.


If At First…

by Mack Williams

I. Try, Try Again

When the Republicans put out their version of Trumpcare, the Congressional Budget Office scored it as ultimately eliminating 23 million people from health care coverage. So then Senate Republicans took a stab at it, and the CBO scored it as only eliminating 22 million from the rolls.

If only they would try it 21 more times…by then they might come up with something as effective as Obamacare.

II. Do You

It happens frequently in sports; when one team wins a championship, others – admiring what they have done – try to assemble a similar team to compete against the newly-minted champions. That said, I was getting just about sick of ex-FOX news hosts getting spots on MSNBC. I mean, that’s where I want to be able to go for the unfiltered truth, and now these guys are bringing in people from the virtual media department of the Republican Party?

As it turns out, sports franchises often find that while imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, it doesn’t mean that a championship is immediately forthcoming. Thankfully the NBC networks are finding – or should be finding – that bringing on FOX people with high ratings there doesn’t necessarily translate into the same thing happening. Just do you…and bump up Joy Reid’s hours.

III. Oaktown

There is some discussion and disagreement about whether the Golden State Warriors should accept an invitation to the White House should one be extended. I’m not so sure one would be extended, in light of some of the comments team members previously made,

such as Steph Curry’s agreement with the description of President Trump as an asset to the country…”if you remove the ‘et’.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver thinks not going would be a lost opportunity to get important points across, which would make sense were we talking about most other people. If Trump wouldn’t listen to Barack Obama, what would lead you to believe that he would listen to a bunch of basketball players?

But should they decide to go, here are a few suggestions that would really make his day:

One third of the people wear a Barack Obama shirt. Another third wear a picture of Obama’s victorious 2008 electoral college map.

And the final third wear Hillary shirts.

IV. All Rise

If you’re not following Aaron Judge now, you can begin to catch up with Monday’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game. This guy reminds me of the young Strawberry…you aren’t going for a snack or the bathroom when he’s coming up…but he hits it even further.

V. Big Ballers

After seeing the Ball guys on WWE Raw…and of course seeing too much of Donald Trump raw…I realized that LaVar Ball and Donald Trump are somewhat alike. They are performers, they know how to draw the cameras, and will say whatever they feel they have to – wise or unwise – to attract attention. I am certain that they both subscribe to the theory that there is little difference between good and bad publicity, but what is really bad is no publicity.

The sole fact that someone can be somewhat entertaining doesn’t mean that you should entrust them with positions of importance. You may go out and buy Big Baller Brand merchandise, but that doesn’t mean you would vote him into any office. Keep that in mind in 2020.

VI. Obama Vacations

First of all, after being President of the United States for eight years, you deserve a vacation. But it’s funny how some of the people complaining that Obama has taken awesome vacations on his own dime – as if he’s supposed to go back to being a broke community organizer – haven’t complained at all about how President Trump goes golfing virtually every weekend and enriches himself by traveling (with his humongous entourage in tow) to his own properties, where he gets a cut out of every dollar spent there.

VII. “Voter Fraud”

If you haven’t already figured it out, this latest WH hysteria about “voter fraud” in the 2016 election is due to Trump’s absolute hatred of the fact that he lost the popular vote to HRC by the unprecedented – or in Trump-speak, “unpresidented” – total of close to 3,000,000 votes. His horrible sexist behavior shows that Sen. Elizabeth Warren was right when she said that he couldn’t stand losing to a girl. And of course he also can’t stand the fact that his electoral college total pales in comparison to those of Barack Obama.

I wish some Republican would stand tall and explain why they are so hellbent on voter suppression, trying ┬áto keep people, usually those of color, from voting – which is the real voter fraud. GOP, if your ideas were so strong, you wouldn’t be so afraid at the prospect of them being judged at the ballot box.